I put on Resident Evil (movie, not game) and it's 20 minutes in (now 25 minutes in) and WHERE ARE THE FUCKING ZOMBIES? I saw Milla Jovovich's boob, but I'm not actually into boobs, and that was 15 minutes ago anyway.
What there is, besides that boob, is some INCREDIBLY LEADEN ACTING AND DIALOGUE ALL DELIVERED IN AFFECTLESS MONOTONES.
Example of actual dialogue:
- "What is this."
- "The door."
- "It's sealed."
- "I'll open it."
At right: Milla versus the florescent lightbulbs.
24.50: Flashback to a sex-scene between Mark Antony and Milla. OH! That one leaden actress is Michelle Rodriguez! Was she this bad on Lost?
26.05: Dead person maybe not dead! Still no zombie action.
28.51: Snottiest line-reading of "she's making it difficult!" ever!
29.43: A terrifying room filled with florescent light-bulbs! This is so fucking boring.
31.29: A beam of light just cut off some guy's fingers. And some chick's head. And disemboweled another guy. The last guy was going to karate-chop it! But then it made him into a pile of meat. Milla and Mark are "upset." Go beam of light!
32.26: One last redshirt to dispose of. Hopefully soon. [Alas, he won't die until the end.]
35.38: A hunk of flesh! Will it become a zombie? How will it move? What will it suck brains with?
37.00: Michelle Rodriquez (M. Rod) looks a lot more confused than bad-ass.
37.26: First zombie?? YES! It just bit M. Rod! Dude, that other redshirt (damn, there are more of them?) shot the zombie in the leg and expected it to, like, fall over. Shoot it in the fucking head, man! Haven't you ever seen a zombie movie before?
39.52: Zombies! Finally! Wow, that's some bad CG.
40.42: I don't believe it. The zombies are attacking in single file.
42.43: Mark A. is very prudently hanging back and letting the redshirts mow down the zombies. Except they're still not shooting the zombies in the head.
43.40: Whoops. There goes another redshirt. Ooo, he got eaten by an elevator-full of zombies.
44.14: Hey! The hunk of flesh grew legs and a mouth and hopped away! And Milla's dress got... shorter?
45.00: M. Rod has deader eyes than any of the zombies.
46.00: Why is Milla wandering around on her own? Seriously, didn't Scream put paid to all these dreadful horror-movie conventions? Man, this is some schlocky shit right here.
46.38: Happily, it's schlocky shit with a zombie doberman. Oh, hey, now we know why Milla's skirt is so teeny: it's so she can bust out her kung fu fighting! Is she wearing purple... shorts? Under her skirt?
48.14: Milla is also a serious crack shot, apparently. Goodbye, zombie dobermen.
49.16: So, in some part of the initial exposition I missed, some character was introduced. He appears to be a sketchy scientist. He knows all the answers. He's a bad guy? He's... Paul Rudd from Aliens? Hah, his zombie girlfriend is about to eat him all up. Damn, except Milla just popped up out of nowhere and... used a taser on her? Oh, zombie girlfriend is Paul Rudd's sister? Gross.
52.04: Milla just spoke. Possibly her second line in the entire movie. Oh, and third! Oh, Paul Rudd isn't a bad guy? But he does have all the answers. And he's philosophizing for us. And moralizing. Paul is "crying." There is some serious acting going on in this scene, y'all.
53.41: There is not enough alcohol in all the world to make this movie better.
54.23: I can't tell if Mark Antony is trying to cover up his English accent or just... bored. His delivery is really bizarre.
55.48: Redshirt just pulled a gun on a hologram. More exposition. GOD, JUST BRING BACK THE ZOMBIES ALREADY.
57.15: This is the best dialogue of all the dialogue:
Hologram: They need to feed.
M. Rod: How do you kill them?
Hologram: Sever the top of the spinal column, or massive trauma to the brain, are the most effective methods.
M. Rod: You mean shoot them in the head.
58.00: Whoops. Turns out M. Rod's about to become a zombie, 'cause a zombie done bited her. If I'd never seen a zombie movie before, I'd never have seen that coming, for reals.
59.24: Milla is punching zombies in slow motion. Even better, she just killed one with her thighs! HAH! It turns out they're filming Milla in slow-mo because showing her in real time only serves to illustrate how slow and non-threatening she really is.
1.01.36: Mark Antony just waved his fist around to threaten the zombies while perched 20 feet above them on a... pipe?
1.02.54: Another redshirt down. Only M.Rod and Paul Rudd left.
1.03.34: Damn, he survived? He's going to die so the others can live. Hey, I saw that in Aliens, too. Way to taunt the zombies! "You're going to have to work for your meal!"
1.05.30: Milla's skirt got... shorter? And she and Mark are covered in sweat. Were they sexing? On that pipe-thing? Romantic.
1.07.12: Milla is having Veronica Mars-esque flashbacks. Aww, bunny. Milla found the anti-virus. "I was beginning to get worried." Shut UP, M. Rod.
1.09.30: The "plot" "thickens." Milla was going to expose the evil corporation; Mark Antony was going to... not let her? He made all the zombies? Because he wanted to get... rich?
1.10.50: It's about time somebody did something. That somebody is Mark Antony. That something is... empty posturing. Sigh. "Nothing... ever... changes." Well, that's not entirely true. Sometimes you die and then you come back as a zombie. And sometimes you die in a zombie movie and come back as a famous Roman politician and general.
1.14.14: Our first glance of the hunk of flesh! It's... zombie Venom? And now that it has eaten Mark, it's turned into... a dog?
1.16.56: The hologram and I are both 100% behind someone finally just offing M. Rod once and for all.
1.17.49: Zombie dog says "arf."
1.18.38: Zombie Mark Antony? Milla just wacked him with an axe. And threw her wedding ring at him. How very symbolic.
1.19.30: OH NO. They're curing M. Rod. But then M. Rod dies! Will she come back as a zombie? Or was her death peaceful? DAMNIT. She's still alive.
1.21.12: Dog's back. Yay!
1.21.39: Zombie dog looks a lot like a gooey version of the Montauk Monster. I'm just sayin'. He's got that Venom tounge, though. Milla just speared it! AND, finally, M. Rod turns into a damned zombie and gets killed off.
1.23.41: That's it? They burned up the zombie Venom dog? Aww, Milla is sad because M. Rod is a dead zombie.
1.24.20: I missed the significance of the countdown clock; surely that was explained during the first half hour of the movie when I was busy banging my head against my dining-room table because it took thirty-seven fucking minutes for any zombies to show up.
1.25.15: Uh-oh. Paul Rudd appears to be working towards zombification. Thank god the men in the white suits are here to... set up the sequel? Milla is very unhappy about the possibility of a sequel, and is beating up the men in the white suits. Not very effectively, by the way. This woman can run up walls and kill zombies with her thighs but can't beat off a couple of dudes in hazmat suits?
1.27.15: FINALLY. I just saw Milla's ladyparts. And she's covered in sexy open wounds. My every dream realized. Oh, c'mon Milla. You're the fifth element. You're love! You can break though that glass and go find Bruce Willis and live happily ever after.
1.29:30: Have we ever talked about how lame the name "Racoon City" is?
1.29.42: Okay, so Milla wakes up naked in a hospital and walks out into a deserted, post-apocalyptic city. I'm sure I've seen that somewhere before.
Shame on you, Mark Antony. Every single day, every single morning after you wake up I hope you call up that guy who wrote the Conan movie and then 25 years later got famous again for creating Rome and made you into some sort of semi-legit sex-object/passable actor and you get down on your knees and you thank him until he hangs up on you. Because imagining that helped ease the pain of watching you blink and posture your way through this garbage. Or maybe that was the wine.
Speaking of John Milius and Conan the Barbarian, Jared and I listened to the DVD commentary a few weeks ago, and it was utterly brilliant. It featured a pre-Rome Milius, being bitter and sarcastic because no one appreciated Conan and then he was forgotten and friendless and alone, and a pre-Governator Arnold, and some seriously regressive gender-politics and a lot of love for Sandhal Bergman. She's an Amazon, you guys, a fucking Viking.
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