8.29 pm. In keeping with a well established tradition, (I, uh, liveblogged the Resident Evil movie on Twitter, once.) Pornokitsch guest-editor Mr. Pickles and I, your fearless editor-who-isn't-Jared, shall go forth and liveblog! Tonight's movie: Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, which we started last night but never finished. (My friends, it is a long movie.). I'm not sure how far along we got last night, so this may be a very short liveblog. Or not.
We are comfortably situated on our squashy beanbag sofa in front of the television. Those of us who wear pyjamas are jim-jammed out; those of us who do not are not. Mr. Pickles is seated next to me, with his paws on my left leg, purring. I have just finished a gigantic meal. Bring it!
8.32: And we're on! Dumbledore and ol' Harry are having a serious conversation to portentous music. Oh, hell, this could be at any point in the series, much less this movie. I have no idea how much more of this film we have to go.
8.37: Mr. Pickles has moved onto my lap and is rubbing his face against the corner of my laptop. He doesn't seem to care that Ron-Ron is about to drink MOST DEADLIEST TOXIC POISON. My goodness, Mr. P, this is an important moment! The music tells us so! (Spoiler! Ron-Ron survives.)
8.39: YAY! Alan "boom goes the dynamite" Rickman is filling out the background of this scene! He's making this entire scene better without speaking a word, simply by sneering at all the miserable young actors who are flailing around in the foreground. GOOD GOD, THESE MOVIES. We're supposed to concentrate on the utterly passable adolescent actors hooting and shouting in the foreground while Maggie Smith, Michael Gambon, Alan Rickman and Jim Broadbent stand silently in the background? Mr. Pickles clearly disapproves; he's stopped purring. When does someone make the movie where Rickman and Smith and Gambon and Broadbent run around and have fun and the young actors stand silently by and look on concernedly?
8.46: The tepid showdown between slash favorites Harry and Draco, in a lady's bathroom. Oh, the symbolism. Draco's story being much more interesting than Harry's, I find myself siding with the sniveling blonde. Mr. P and I both approve of the bit where Snape kneels in a bloody puddle and murmurs a healing spell over dear Draco. All of which is significantly more compelling than...
8.48: Ginny and Harry snogging. The actress playing Ginny might actually be worse than the actress playing Hermione. The latter suffers from a surfeit of affect, but the former... her voice doesn't modulate at all. Ever.
8.51: Harry refers to his stupid lucky potion as "Felix." Mr. Pickles gets off my lap and skulks off to a corner. I feel the same way, dude.
8.53: HAH! The way Harry just made a motion with his index fingers next to his mouth to mime spider mandibles was adorable! I forgive the actor for most of the rest of the way he played this scene, in which he clearly aimed for "puckish" but achieved "fakey drunk" instead.
8.57: In which Broadbent FUCKING NAILS an otherwise painfully overwritten bit where Harry convinces him to give up the memory about teaching Voldemort what horcruxes are. Honestly, that was some damned fine, understated acting despite the limitations imposed by an exceedingly tiresome and heavyhanded script.
9.01: Mr. Pickles has fallen asleep next to the radiator.
9.03: Mr. Pickles likes Michael Gambon, though; he stretched and rearranged himself while Dumbledore explained horcruxes to Harry. Except for that ONCE AGAIN DUMBLEDORE MUST ASK TOO MUCH OF YOU, HARRY. Oh for fuck's sake.
9.06: Harry and Dumbledore are off to the Cave of the Water Zombies. Mr. Pickles sat up and yawned. I'm not sure if he's expressing more or less interest than when he was asleep.
9.07: Harry, you impossible nitwit, your blood is more precious than Dumbledore's, the kindly, wise, brilliant, capable best wizard in the world wizard. Dumblydore says so, so it must be true. Mr. Pickles is so disgusted he's left the room to see if the kibble fairies have brought him anything during his nap.
9.10: Harry has to force Dumbledore to drink poison because Dumbledore is "much less valuable" than Harry. It's almost insulting how self-effacing Dumbledore is - especially considering that he's being self-effacing for Harry's benefit. Harry, who has done nothing but whine and feel sorry for himself since the third book. The score tells us that this is a Sad Scene, friends. Well, in all fairness, I like Dumbledore, and Gambon really sells his protracted death scene. Dan Radcliffe... somewhat less so. Panting heavily is not the same thing as nuanced acting, young man.
9.13: Pant pant pant. Mr. Pickles remains unmoved.
9.14: Water zombies! Hooray! And they've got Harry! Double yay! ..and, out of nowhere, Dumbledore is suddenly revived and saves stupid Harry from drowning. Ooo, this is such a cool bit, where Dumbledore waves his arms around and flames fly out of his wand! Mr. Pickles, also a fan of Dumbledore the Awesome, has wandered back over to the sofa to watch. And right he is to do so: things are finally about to get interesting.
9.18: Well... not quite yet. Gambon is facing down the kid playing Draco, and Draco is doing his best, but he's pretty much utterly outclassed. Bring on the Rickman already! Oh, I'm not being fair; the Draco kid is doing a better job than any of the other three young leads.
9.20: Rickman! Yay! Boom goes the avada kedavra. Dumbledore dies. Helena Bonham-Carter flails and screeches and overacts her corseted heart out while Rickman stalks around all flaring of cape and backlit of profile and menacing of stature. Oh, I love it.
9.24: Less lovable: the Really Meaningful Scene where all the students and tutors hold their lit wands up around Dumbledore's body. Pretty? Yes. But, you know, I can't say that my first instinct at the death of a loved one is to whip out my lighter and wave it around.
9.26: Mr. Pickles has retired back to his space next to the radiator. Man, Maggie Smith is looking... not young these days. McGonagle tries to comfort Harry in the wake of Dumbledore's death. Harry brats off in a huff to go stand at the top of the photogenic tower where Dumbledore bit it and get relationship advice from Hermione. Hermione, once again proving her worth as the sole adolescent voice of reason in the entire series, advises Harry not to make out with Ginny in front of Ron.
9.30: Hermione says something sensible, and Harry appears to listen as she suggests that he might not actually be able to find all those lovely little mcguffins - erm, horcruxes - without, you know, the help of the smart character who is good at research. And also Ron, who then sheepishly slinks over to stare meaningfully out into the meaningful distance with the other two. Ron, who is, if memory serves, mainly whiny in the final book.
9.32: Mr. Pickles has an amazing sense of timing. As the camera pulls back and the music swells and the movie ends he walks back over to the sofa and plunks his enormous striped butt down on my lap. I am pinioned and forced to endure endless credits.
Oh, fine, the credits are actually pretty cool, with neat-looking fluid inky graphics. I'm not so sure about the cheery score, but it's definitely more palatable than the Extremely Portentous Music of This Is a Significant Moment that underlined every second scene in this movie.
At right: a random picture I found on the internet, which features Michael Gambon wearing a bag over his beard.
