New Releases: Those Above by Daniel Polansky
Films of High Adventure: Krull

New Releases: The 7 Secrets of Awakening the Highly Effective Four-Hour Giant, Today by the Gang

The 7 SecretsI love It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia; the show can do no wrong. Possibly because it is deliberately setting out to be as wrong as it could be. (I also credit the fact that I went into the show having no idea what it actually was. If you watch the first episodes expecting it to be an actual normal sitcom, it is ... kind of earth-shattering.) That said, my predilection for fine entertainment might be misconstrued as some sort of bias, and has made reviewing The 7 Secrets of Awakening the Highly Effective Four-Hour Giant, Today (2015), a little difficult.

If I tell you that this book changed my life - got me a better job, made me grow an inch, improved my wardrobe, put money in my savings account, gave me several fine rat-based meals, and gave me the sexual potency of Sting on Spanish Fly - well, you'd probably believe that's just coming from my fondness for the show. As a blogger, there's nothing more important to me than my reputation as an objective critic of fine culture, that is how I make all of my very large bucks, dine on Cadillacs and sleep on a bed made of the very prestigious Hugo Awards and the tears of Roger Ebert. Therefore everything I write should be taken as the gospel truth, if the gospel were actually written in Typepad by a reputable person and not carved in rocks by dudes on mushrooms.

And that, I suppose, is fine. Your loss, Jesus. 

If The 7 Secrets taught me anything, it is that some people just aren't worthy of the enlightenment that the Gang can bring. But for me, getting irradiated by the fallout of their truthbombs converted me from unlovable jabroni to the cheese-eating, raccoon-harvesting, poetry-appreciating, porn-star-scaring psychopath that I am today. And I am so much better for it. Why, just look at my rum ham! 

The 7 Secrets adds further value with the eldritch stylings of Charlie (with translations, as Charlie... doesn't write so well), several audio transcripts (complete with 'clinking glasses') and the S.I.N.N.E.D. (reverse D.E.N.N.I.S.) System. This is all pure word-gold and is like getting a free wedding cake with every set of Kitten Mittens. I don't even understand why or how they wedged all this intelligence into a single book. Presumably lubricant was involved.

There are also some slightly meta conversations between the lazy, totally useless, greedy and outright evil genius members of the gang and the poor lucky bastards at Titan who are trying to distill their gibberish wisdom into a book. The 7 Secrets is clearly the best book of every year, and you should get six first editions and hoard them like almighty Smaug, because self-help this amazing should be illegal (did you know paint thinner is a food group?).

In short, if you like It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, you should have this book already, or you're a disappointment to me, your mother and God. If you don't like the show, there's something wrong with you, and, to quote Sweet Dee, "my hate for you burns with the white-hot fury of a million suns". You should probably get this book because maybe it can fix you.

I'm getting a drink. This cat food is salty as fuck.