pornokitsch

Romans vs Victorians: ULTIMATE SMACKMATCH DEATHDOWN

We've posed the question of "Romans vs Victorians", with the best answer winning a pretty nifty prize. One of the ongoing arguments at Pornokitsch Towers is who would win this particular smackmatch deathdown. Here's a transcript of the most recent round...

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Victorians brought the sexxay.  Number of romance novels set in ancient Rome: seventy-three.  Number of romance novels set during the nineteenth century:  nine million, six hundred and twelve.  No, fourteen.  No, twenty-seven.  Look, eight more have been published in the time it took you to read this sentence.  Pay attention, boys:  cravats, top-hats and UST will always always always be nine million times sexier than leather skirts and manky sandals.  No one wants to see your icky toenails.  And as a corollary: where's the gladiatorpunk at, fool?  Oh, that's right.  THERE ISN'T ANY.  All the ladies be busy readin' steampunk.

Romans had more fun. ...and not just the orgies. The Victorian idea of fun involved sipping lukewarm tea and perhaps, if the corset allowed, a gentle stroll through a hedge maze. Perhaps Underduke Timothy Piggley-Smythe might steal a look at one's well-turned ankles! Oh, the larks! In ancient Rome, "Piglet" would've been dipped in caviar and thrown to the man-eating jellyfish for being such a limp biscuit. Caligula was batshit crazy and bankrupted the empire, but he did so by providing free entertainment. Not only did he routinely flood a national monument to play wargames, but also he also invented the octopus-wrestling league, the World Cup (which Rome then won 163 times in a row, take that Brazil) and the orgasm. Caligula famously appointed his horse to the Senate just so he'd have more free time to play MMORPGs. (Incitatus never would've cut funding for the arts, by the way.) 

He Said/She Said: The Cartoon Shows of our Misspent Youfs

He Says: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: It was years before I actually found the original comic books, and I was horrified to discover how completely different they were from my accustomed afterschool viewing. TMNT wasn't just "must-see" viewing, it was "stand outside school, anxiously await one's parent, whine at them to drive quickly all the way home" viewing. My favorite turtle was Raphael, as the nominal outsider (he also had the cute iguana-mutant girlfriend in the cruise episode), but I'd concede that Donatello had his virtues. Leonardo was universally despised. The early episodes were pretty good, but the later seasons, when the TMNT universe had expanded to include Krang, Dimension X and a score of zoological monstrosities - those were brilliant.

 

He Said/She Said: Most Annoying Fantasy Characters

Sometimes a bad character just ruins a good book. Here are our picks - 3 each - for the most irritating characters in fantasy.

Chime in with your own pick in the comments (we may even have PRIZES).

HE SAYS: Tom Bombadil is a given on this list. Fellowship is a surprisingly annoying book anyway. Tolkien has a lot for which he should be held accountable, and his addiction to self-indulgent, italicized word-vomit world-building is right up there on the list. Tom Bombadil is this, on legs, dancing a shitty little jig. He's a dull, meandering, action-suck that makes an adequate-if-plodding book into an outright dull one.

SHE SAYS: If Tom Bombadil drags down Fellowship, there's no question in my mind which character drags down the entire trilogy - Samwise Gamgee.  All high fantasy is painfully, anachronistically nostalgic about feudal society, and no author more so than Tolkien, who added a dash of conservative 19th century social rhetoric to the mix with Sam and his forelock-tugging servility.   Peter Jackson did manage to make the character more or less tolerable by turning Sam from Frodo's servant into Frodo's friend, but don't get me started on Sean Astin's appalling accent.  No.  Don't even try.

More from both of us after the jump...

He Said/She Said: Best Companion

Martha? Rose? Kylie?

Who knows what lies in the hearts of men and Pornokitsch editors?

He says: Whilst the other companions are Micky-like caricatures with no skills whatsoever, Martha is actually useful. She's like that on the show, too. She's not just the Doctor's superego, she's a... doctor. When the world is taken over by the Master, she doesn't cower, she leads a global resistance. In fact, she's such a strong, capable character that I'd levy an accusing glance at Davies for giving her a puppy-dog crush on the Doctor. Else, she'd come close to being his...  gasp... equal. Plus, she's hot.

She says: Rose gets my vote. I love her resourcefulness - for heaven's sake, she once sucked Satan out the windshield of a spaceship!  And I love her complete and categorical refusal to be bossed around by the Doctor. But, beyond that, I'm a sucker for a love story.  And the Doctor/Rose arc was a hell of a love story.

What's your take?

He Said/She Said: Movies in Need of a 3-D Remake

We've done our latest Top 10 list as a "he said/she said" sort of thing... 5 picks from each of us on the films we'd love to see in 3-D.

Anne says:

1. Clash of the Titans

Forget remaking it with digital effects. Harryhausen's rockingest, sockingest movie deserves - nay, screams out for - the 3D treatment.