Pornokitsch

7:  The backstory transitioned awkwardly into more... backstory. Holy cow, this is complicated - I understand why they gave up putting the plot on the box, they would've needed microfilm.

Serpents (imoogi?) get to become dragons, but a special magic woman (the yuggy jew?) needs to be born for it to happen. And then promptly sacrificed (ouch).  

17: Exactly what about this cost $75 million dollars? The subtitles?

21: An enormous worm-thing just breached. It is pretty impressive.

25: People riding dinosaurs are now attacking the yuggyjew village. Despite the 24 minutes and 59 seconds of backstory (and counting), there’s no explanation for any of this, except that they had SEVENTY FIVE MILLION DOLLARS, DAMMIT! AND IT WAS ALL GETTING SPENT!

26: The dinosaurs are carrying cannons – nice touch. (Lights pile of money and watches it burn)

The evil imoogi is named Vooraki. Right now, I’m backing Team Vooraki. This is a massacre.

27 (wait, that can’t be right): Backstory is finally complete. None of it meant anything, except for the final six seconds of voice-over, telling the Unshaven Reporter that he has to find ‘Sarah’ (Conner?) when she turns 20 and take her to HOLY SHIT! THAT’S DARRYL FROM THE OFFICE!

DARRYL has been on screen for 30 seconds and already seems bored. How much of the $75m do you think he got? I’m hoping the answer is ‘most of it’.

And, here's Sarah. She’s a movie 19 (37).

32 (or whatever): That really is Michael Madsen. He seems even more bored than Daryl. 75 million dollars will lead a B-lister to Korea, but it can't make them drink. (Or sober up)

46: The Vooraki is eating an elephant, while someone dressed as the Highlander looks on. Explanations are for the weak.

50: The Highlander has now encountered our Unshaven Reporter. Oh wait, a dream sequence. Is anything in this movie actually real?!

42 (Time is meaningless): Back to back dream sequences. Sarah just called 911 because she had a BAD DREAM. In fact, she’s going to the hospital for it. In an ambulance. Your California tax dollars at work.

51: Sarah's roommate just became Vooraki souvlaki.

57: Another Michael Madsen sighting. He’s had about six words so far. Darryl has said more, but they’re things like ‘Why am I here?’ and ‘Where's my money?'.

63: The Vooraki is about to eat a hospital.

67: The Vooraki is chasing the Darryl.

74: Someone vaguely famous is playing the Secretary of Defense. Michael Madsen just shook his hand. That quintuples Madsen’s involvement in this film. Maybe he’s being paid per-word.

80: Sarah and Unshaven Reporter are on a beach, exchanging platitudes and looking like they’re about to make out. There’s no connection between any of these scenes. I think this was edited in the same way most people make sangria.

Ah. Now they’re making out.

65: The Vooraki is stalking the suburbs completely unmolested. This isn’t a subtle creature. And people always seem surprised to see it… How sneaky can a 500 foot worm be?

42: You know why I hate the unshaven reporter? He looks like Peter Petrelli. Same anemic, simpering, kicked-dog demeanor as well. My dinner had more screen presence.

50: Peter Petrelli and Sarah have yet to realize that the Vooraki is following them around. So when they casually break for a sandwich in downtown LA, they are directly responsible for the deaths of thousands.

The Vooraki just slingshot a car at them. That’s something you can do when you’re a giant CGI-enhanced rubberband.

43: The check cleared - UNLEASH THE DINOSAURS!

31: Whatever portion of the $75 million was spent on Voorakimation wasn’t all wasted. It isn’t perfect, but, as far as giant worm monsters go, it is officially ok. Right now, it has chased Peter and Sarah up a skyscraper.

33: BRING IN THE GUNSHIPS! Apaches vs. Vooraki.  That’s like $74.5 million of pure American hoo-ah, right there. I may thump my chest and sing the national anthem. The helicopters just rocketed the Vooraki off the tower. Apaches: 1, Voorakis: 0. … THE BOMBS BURRRRSTING IN AIR...

36: Apparently the Highlander (QB of Team Vooraki) has decided that fastest way to success (whatever that may be – objectives aren’t so clearly defined in Dragon Wars) is by flooding downtown LA with dinosaurs. Effective? No. Expensive? Yes. (Producers: We’ll take two!)

42: Apaches: 6, Beasties: 3. Heatseekers vs. Firebreathers. Practically unfair.

46: I’m not sure who is winning any more, as we just got a hundred quick cuts showing EVERYONE exploding. War is awful, kids. Innocent people, dinosaurs and audiences will all suffer horribly. The Vooraki has snuck off again unnoticed.

64: HEY! Peter Petrelli just took a bullet for her! WHAT?! He’s fine? What the hell?! Did no one else just see him get shot? He got shot! How? What?!

Now Madsen got shot instead. This blows. What happened to the first bullet?!

58: Meanwhile, on the set of Conan the Barbarian... Highlander is about to sacrifice Sarah to his Vooraki, while Peter looks on helplessly. How did they get there? Did the army lose? Where are they?! The Highlander is chanting for the Vooraki to ‘rise’. Has he not seen it for the first “58” minutes? How do people keep missing the giant snake? Is it a dream too? Are we still in the backstory?

62: Sarah just did an old-school Fay Wray scream. Nice touch.

82: SNAKE FIGHT! I have no idea which is the Vooraki and which is the good snake. I’m cheering for whichever one of them accidentally rolls over and pulverizes Peter Petrelli.

90: The production team is spunking the rest of the budget in one final thrashing moneygasm. I’m not sure if the good snake has just become a dragon or if the bad snake has just become a dragon dragon… but either way, a dragon-snake just nuked a non-dragon snake. The wingless one put up a good fight, but that shit’s hard without appendages.

92: Oh. Bad snake died. Good dragon-snake is now weaving CGI magic to bring Sarah back from the dead? She’s dead? And I missed it?!