Pornokitsch Classic Movies: John Carpenter's The Thing (1982)
Thursday, August 05, 2010
Until last week, the first and only time I’d ever seen John Carpenter’s The Thing was in 1985. I was six. (And yes, I watched it through my fingers.) This is what I took away from the experience: dogs that turn inside-out, dogs that turn into inside-out spiders, people who turn inside-out, and ominously dripping blood. Oh, and Antarctica.
Turns out, my memories weren’t too far off the mark. Also, the movie stars Kurt Russell! Who’da thunk?
So, too, does it turn out that The Thing has withstood the test of time pretty well. (Spoilers, naturally, abound.)
The Thing features a number of horror-movie staples, but very few come off as hackneyed or clichéd. There’s the claustrophobic and inhospitable environment (a snow-bound research base during the wintering-over period in Antarctica). There are any number of grim, sweaty men acting suspiciously in the face of growing paranoia, played by excellent character actors. There is a terrifying and poorly-understood alien threat to ramp up the tension, flickering lights and power failures for atmosphere, and the unspoken communal knowledge that there’s really no escape; anyone could be infected and no one else would know it – he might not even know it himself.1 Also, a heavily-bearded Kurt Russell for that extra shot of dewy-eyed, world-weary machismo.
The movie runs along at an efficient clip and delivers some real shocks, including the genuinely horrifying moment when the head of an infected dog explodes into what can only be described as a quadruple-hinged maw. There are also the expected John Carpenter gross-out horror effects, including the afore-mentioned inside-out spider-dog (see left), a disembodied head that drags itself along by its tentacular tongue, and a cadaver’s dissolving chest-cavity. (Jared and I yelled a simultaneously joyous “oh, foul!” at that one.) And, yes, ominously dripping blood.2
In sum: monsters abound, shit blows up, and everyone dies. Pornokitsch awards Carpenter’s The Thing 18 gold stars and an aardvark and suggests you check it out. Though maybe you should reconsider letting your six-year-old watch it with you.4
Geek notes:
1. If this plot sounds familiar, it should; the excellent X-Files episode "Ice" owes The Thing an enormous debt of gratitude.
2. Ominously dripping blood also figures prominently in the 1972 classic Horror Express, (aka The Thing from Outer Space on a Train) starring Pornokitsch favorites Christopher Lee, Peter Cushing, and Telly Savalis. Yup, Dracula, Grand Moff Tarkin3 and Kojak. If you've never seen Horror Express, folks, it's time. Did you know that you can draw blood from an eyeball, mount it on a slide, look at the sample through a microscope and see whatever the eyeball's owner last viewed? It's true!
3. Grand Moff Tarkin? That's the character's name? Eep.
4. Just a few nights ago I described particular childhood experience to a friend. His response was a grave "that explains so much."