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Charlie Human on Five Memes that Deserve to be Novelised

This week's Friday Five is very special.


Writing is hard and the Internet makes it even harder. So with NaNoWriMo around the corner I thought I’d throw out some writing ideas that actually channel the urge to procrastinate and further evade putting something down on the blank page.

Hipster Cop

HipstercopGenre: Nu Post-Scandinavian Crime Fiction
Writer: David Eggers

Hipster Cop only investigates old cases; 1973-1978 was totally the best time for crime. But when the lead singer of an Icelandic band you’ve probably never heard of is killed, Hipster Cop faces his toughest challenge yet when he is forced to go undercover in the mainstream. Will he survive or will his craving for craft beer become too much for him?

What the critics will say: “I’m not an author, just an avid reader of novels, mostly anything by Stephen Leather. This book is terrible. The worst book ever written. Rather try something by Stephen Leather. Seriously. He’s awesome. Wait, which account am I posting this from?” – User Sockpuppet648 on

Scumbag Brain

ScumbagGenre: Neuropunk
Writer: Bret Easton Ellis

What do you do when the ultimate super-villain’s lair is found in the cranial cavity? A taskforce of elite superheroes attempt to tackle Scumbag Brain, only to be thwarted by forgetting their keys, accidentally putting their super-weapons in the fridge instead of the milk and being driven insane by ‘Gangnam Style’ repeating endlessly inside their heads.

What the critics will say: “Still a better love story than Twilight.” – The Guardian


Genre: Don’t make me laugh, mortal
Writer: Richard Morgan

Hans Glitterdottir was content to patrol his local village rave but Destiny had other ideas. When the God Odin descends in a chariot made of lasers and smoke and, in an awesome training montage, teaches him to channel the Inner Rave and wield the glowsticks of death, Hans must choose between his local rave scene and saving Techno from the evolution of musical taste.

What the critics will say: “Proof that we have not have not lived and fought in vain.” – Christopher Priest

Philosoraptor, Courage Wolf, Advice Dog


Genre: Children
Writer: The spirit of Maurice Sendak channeled by Nick Cave

A heart-warming tale about three plucky friends; a wolf, a dinosaur and a dog, and the bond they share. Together they journey to find the meaning of life, advise it to stop being so obtuse and, if necessary, kill it. Instead they end up on a drug-fuelled roadtrip rampage of murder and mayhem, learning a little about themselves and the meaning of friendship along the way.

What the critics will say: “The spiritual successor to Animal Farm. But with Uzis!” – Publisher’s Weekly

Cage Couch

CagecouchGenre: Self-help
Writer: Deepak Chopra

The literary sequel to Being John Malkovich. A serial killer finds himself in Hell’s waiting room, sitting on the Cage Couch, and forced in philosophical debates with multiple versions of Nicholas Cage. Looking into his own heart he goes through the six stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance and Nicholas Cage. The story reaches a climax when the Cage Couch is revealed to be the true form of Lucifer himself.

What critics will say: “The only book I recommend to my theology students” – Nicholas Cage


Charlie Human's novel Apocalypse Now Now will be out in 2013 from Century and Random House. His short story "The Immaculate Particle" appeared in Pandemonium: Stories of the Apocalypse. He is on Twitter at @CharlieHuman.