Friday Five: 5 Reasons Michael Bay Isn't As Awful As You Might Think
Friday, September 12, 2014
This week's guest post is Jonathan Wood, who isn't afraid of explosions, loud noises, or anything else you might inflict on him in the comments. If you're impressed by the man with no fear, why not check out Jonathan's books - No Hero and the just-now-on-the-shelf Yesterday's Hero? They're plenty awesome in their own right, and you can tell him so at @thexmedic.
OK, OK, I concede – he is pretty awful. I've seen Transformers. I've wept my tears. But is he really that awful? Well, again, maybe. But also maybe, just maybe not.
1. Come on, that Alan Tyduk scene was pretty funny
OK, this may be a softball, but you remember that scene is Transformers 3 with Alan Tyduk and John Turturro? The one where Alan Tyduk loses his shit and kicks ass, and John Turturro talks him back from the dark place? That was pretty funny, right? You sort of smiled at that point.
Admittedly, yes, it is Alan Tyduk and John Turturro on screen at the same time, so, yeah the scene had more than a fighting chance, but bear in mind this is the third Transformers movie. The THIRD one. John Turturro has been in two previous ones and he's still coming back for more. Alan Tyduk has seen those two and still signed up. So Michael Bay is at least doing something right, even if it's just hiring a good casting director and enabling them with giant sacks of cash.
You know, if I was going for a more general point, I might mention that Michael Bay has been mixing comedy with the Bayhem back since Bad Boys. And yeah, it's not like I'm pointing at a great cinematic classic, but there were some grin-inducing moments along the way and there have been consistently throughout his work. So yay for Michael Bay and the lols.
2. The rule of awesome – Or why we all got to see Transformer testicles
Yeah, we saw them. Transformers 2. Giant wrecking ball Transformer testicles clanking together. Don't pretend that moment isn't still scarred into your psyche. But why did we see them? Dear God, why? Because Michael Bay has followed the Hollywood action movie template to its ridiculous extreme conclusion. He obeys The Rule of Awesome.
No, it's totally a rule. Shush.
At any point in time, Michael Bay is trying to make what we see on screen the most awesome thing possible. Literally nothing else matters. Not continuity, not character, not plot. Only now, and awesome.
Now, reconsider that awful moment. You're at the pyramids in Egypt. That's awesome. There's a giant laser hidden inside the pyramid. Even more awesome. So a Transformer is trying to rip apart the pyramid. Yet more awesome. So the Transformer can use the laser to blow up the sun. Double awesome! And you've got John Turturro in a fight with another Transformer. Hell yeah! And it's actually a Transformer made up of a bunch of other Transformers. Squee! So how on earth do you make this any more awesome? Giant wrecking ball Transformer testicles clanking together. It is the only logical conclusion. Right? Right?
3. Have you even seen Pain and Gain?
Seriously, that's a pretty good movie. You should watch that. Judge me then.
4. OK, let's talk about this Bayhem thing
Pointing at Michael Bay like he's the only guy doing soulless action movies is kind of ridiculous. I was hoping I wasn't going to have to do this, but, well... Battleship. Someone else trying to do the Michael Bay thing, and, the result is that Transformers looks like a cinematic masterpiece next to it. And nobody wants Transformers looking like that.
Admittedly, Battleship didn't piss all over anyone's beloved childhood franchise (well, maybe one guy, there's always that one guy) but that didn't stop it from being one of the silver screen's greatest turd burgers of all time. And there's plenty of other offenders out there. The only real difference is how much of a marketing push Michael Bay's movies get. And why do they get it? Because they make shit tons of money. And why do they make it? I have to assume it is in large part because of Bayhem. Hell, we even have a word for it now.
Frenetic, Bay's action scenes may be. Largely nonsensical also. But I refer you to my point about the rule of awesome. At any single point in time, what is on screen is ambitiously epic. This huge thing is happening, while that stuff flies around in the background. In slow motion. While something else blows up. All at goddamn once. Stop using your brain, dammit, and just let it wash over you.
5. Look, why are you even going to movies anyway?
At this point we all have massive TVs in high-enough definition that it you squint right, you can see people's souls. After two decades of shitty reality shows, people have finally remembered that they like scripted dramatic television and we are living in the middle of the TV renaissance. We can stream or download any movie we want essentially for free. Why the hell would we shell out twenty bucks for a grungy movie and 1500 calories worth of popcorn?
(Side note: never read the calorie count of food at the movie theater. That is how joy dies)
The answer, is spectacle. Or at least one of the answers. It's a decent reason at any rate. It's part of why IMAX is enjoying a comeback right now. It's because as big as out TV's are, they aren't the size of a three-story building. And you know what looks really good that big? Bay-goddamn-hem.
Seeing a Michael Bay movie is like going to the circus. The thrills and spills are all relatively predictable, but it's still fun to see it all played out before you. In fact, Bay's movies only really look good in the movie theater. When they're that big, that loud. Michael Bay is making movies for the thing cinema has become.
Honestly, I look at a Michael Bay movie and I just see the logical conclusion of the blockbuster model. Everything simultaneously amplified and watered down. And that model exists because we've been funding this model since the late seventies. Michael Bay was bound to happen. Much like Godzilla, he is inevitable. And in all honesty, it could have been a lot worse. In his movies, there are lols. Shit does blow up real good. There may not be much else of substance, but to adopt a certain parlance: don't hate the player, hate the game.
Now buckle up, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2 is almost certainly coming, and it's going to be a bumpy ride.