Pornokitsch: Hi, Kim! So, you've started watching Once Upon a Time. What do you think?
Kim Curran: Hey! I had so many people rave about this series, even my mother in law of all people, that I started watching it with a lot of trepidation. Would I enjoy it? Would it live up to the hype? Would I have to admit to my MIL that I hated yet another thing she loved (we've only just recovered from the trifle drama).
Then I started watching and after the first few episodes I was so relieved. It was a fun, hugely entertaining, women-led story and I was really looking forward to binging all, how many are there now, six seasons.
And then I got to the dwarf egg episode...
Ah. The dwarf egg episode. Care to recap?
I've kind of tried to bleach it from my brain! But here goes:
It tells in parallel the story of Grumpy and his Storybrooke persona, whose name I can't remember so I'll call him Arsey, and their doomed love story with a fairy/nun.
In the fairytale world, it's revealed that dwarves are born from eggs, fully clothed and bearded. A bit like Mork. Only weirder. They're also given their name through the medium of a magically etching axe. At first Grumpy is called Dreamy, probably because the Fairy, whose name I can't remember either so I'll call her Flakey Fairy, spilt some magic fairy dust on his egg before he hatched. So far so wtf.
While Dreamy and Flakey are falling in love quicker than any clumsy teen and sparkling vampire, back in Storybrooke the same story is playing out only this time Arsey is a builder and Flakey is Sister Flakey, a nun, trying to raise the $5,000 needed to pay the rent on her convent to the deliciously nasty Mr Gold by selling candles. Now, my economics has never been great, but that's a metric fuck ton of candles needed. Like everyone in Storybrooke will have to buy at least ten.
Meanwhile, Mary Margaret is horrified to learn that there are consequences to adultery. In Storybrooke land those consequences involve having 'Tramp' scrawled on your car, more evidence - if anyone in the town needed it - that they're trapped in a time bubble. Because Tramp? Really? Has anyone said that since the 50s?
Anyway, the end, Dreamy chooses not to run away with Flakey Fairy for reasons I can't remember and is so sad he becomes Grumpy. While Arsey performs an act of vandalism to cut off all the power to the town in order to sell candles and everyone forgives Mary Margaret because she's not a good enough actress to pull off angst and isolation.
While you enjoy that mental picture... what do you like about the series so far?
I've said this already, but the thing that impressed me most is that the show is driven by women. You get the female perspective on friendship, relationships, motherhood, etc. So it's up there with the likes of Gilmore Girls and Orange Is The New Black. Only, unlike them it's sublimely ridiculous!
They really just throw anything they can together and seem to be having enormous fun while doing it. Every Disney Princess just hanging out with the faintest of logic to it. But somehow it works. It's the perfect show to watch after a long day because it takes zero effort to watch but gives a lot back.
Plus, Jamie Dornan. Even if he does walk like a giraffe.
Do you find the Disneyfying thing disconcerting? Like you're just waiting for them to break out in song?
It took me a while to click it was Disney. I thought it was just generic fairy tales. Then Belle turned up and I was like, 'Oh, I get it'. So no, I'd have been very freaked out if they had started singing.
What do you hope the show has in store?
Well, there’s an awful lot riding on Hook turning up, as I’ve been promised I’ll like him. Other than that, more silliness, more overacting from Gold, more fairies dressed like hooker toilet roll holders. And if Princess Leia doesn’t turn up, I’ll be hugely disappointed.
And, obviously, Once Upon a Time viewers should read Delete because...
Well, I can’t promise any Disney Princess, but I can promise some some head-strong, ass-kicking girls, over-the-top action, big battle scenes and, amid all the chaos, a main character you genuinely care for. No dwarves though, which on reflection was a mistake.
If you enjoyed this (or even if you didn't), imagine how good Kim is when she's not answering ridiculous questions about a ridiculous show! Delete is out now, and is the third and final book in the immensely wonderful Shifter series. You can win the entire trilogy in this giveaway (good luck!) and badger Kim about her dubious taste in TV viewing on Twitter at @kimecurran.