Pygmalia: Necrophallus
Class (Cum Laude) by Cecily von Ziegasar

Friday Five: 5 superheroes I want on my football team


Right, my actual football team and my fantasy football team both suck this year, so I need some sort of distraction. Which means - naturally - trying to think of which superheroes would make the best football players. 

The rules, because what's the point of thinking about this unless you overthink it?

  • No weapons or external 'bits'. So surfboards, repulser beams, grenade launchers - out. Armor is ok, because that's on you, but you can't use it to shoot stuff from your hands or whatever. Natural defenses - claws and teeth - are fine.
  • No pulling in stuff from off the field. (Also known as the 'Magneto Rule'.) You can't use your powers to bring on bleachers or chairs or passing 747s or anything like that.
  • You have to fit on the field. So Galactus is out, and the all-Celestials defensive line is a no-go.
  • Flight is ok, but the rules of football apply. You have to land with feet inbounds, etc.
  • I think that's it. Further rules may apply when I think of them.

With no further ado, presenting five members of my imaginary team...

NFL SuperproQuarterback - Captain America

Too obvious, right? He's got tactical skill, leadership ability and years of experience flinging around a stupidly-shaped object. He won't be the strongest or the quickest guy on the field, but he's got enough super-mojo in him to keep from dying the first time he's sacked by Sabretooth or whatever. As a bonus, the fans would go nuts whenever anyone even knocked him down. "YER KNOCKING DOWN AMURICA YOU TERRORIST COMMIE." (throws beer) (votes Trump) (etc)

Also in the running - I strongly considered Daredevil for this, as he's probably even more nimble - and even better at throwing stuff-not-really-aerodynamic. But the whole 'radar sense when surrounded by 80,000 screaming people' thing seemed a little unfair. Also considered, for pure nerd value, Taskmaster - he's like 80% of Cap, but also 80% of Daredevil and 80% of... other people, not so useful. He's got more value on the scout team.

Wide Receiver - Quicksilver

A no-brainer, right? As far as I can tell, the only challenge is getting the ball to him. But even then, you've got a lot of freedom. Even if Cap gets concussed and throws the ball 20 years behind Quicksilver, the dude can scamper back and snag it before the defense even notices.

Also in the running - Spider-man (nimble, strong, sticky, attitude, etc)

Fullback - Juggernaut

Also a no-brainer. Granted, I don't see him being able to catch a ball, so I've moved him from running back to fullback. This way we can put him to work in two different ways: either hand him the ball and watch him rumble forward, or just send him forward as a blocker and have the ball-carrier behind him. It'll be a hoot.

Also in the running - Hulk (but so many penalties. Hulk is a Raider)

RogueFree Safety - Rogue

Perfect defender. She flies - so you can't really outpace her, and she can help take down any winged wide receiver. She's strong enough and tough enough to wrestle ('rassle' in cheesy Roguelish) with anyone. She can stop the pass or the run. And, best of all, after the first tackle, she'll know the entire opposing playbook. I've gone with Rogue over a telepath because a) she's not fragile and b) her power gives her instinctive, rather than intellectual, knowledge. So she'll be able to read the plays, not the minds. Clever, eh?

Also in the running: Heimdall (he's also big and tough, and nothing gets by him)

Tackle/Guard - Sebastian Shaw

How annoying would he be as a blocker? You pummel him over and over again, and he just gets faster and faster, stronger and stronger. He'd be even better at the end of the game than the beginning. And, you know, he's a dickhead. You could totally see him going for the knees, or biting someone in the pile. 

Also in the running: Blob (but really, too big for pass protection, too slow for run blocking), Groot (too nice)


Your turn - which superheroes are you drafting for your football team?