Today's post is from Special Operative Fleur, who is serving in the front line in the battle against furry armageddon. We have only ever known war. /eats bacon sandwich
One of my favourite film scenes has always been the battle scene in the cartoon version of Animal Farm (1954). Goats being camouflaged as walls, geese ambushing people from haystacks and donkeys kicking people in the face – it's great. I'm a bleeding heart pacifist, war films bore me and you couldn't pay me enough to go paintballing, but there's something about animals reigning terror on man that makes me very happy.
Animals have always challenged the rule of man, but in 2015 they escalated hostilities. Tell your family you love them, go out and stock up on catnip, and prepare for the animal apocalypse.
Stage one: occupy
You'll never believe this. Cat got locked in the bathroom and then decided to open a drawer so we can't open the door pic.twitter.com/vUseJfJJ53— Brandon (@ThatBabyIsGone) August 23, 2015
In August an unnamed female cat in Arizona locked her human masters out of their bathroom.
In 2016 we’ll think twice about leaving our cats unattended.
Stage two: disrupt food supply
While Pizza Rat may have been the most notorious food thief of 2015, this unnamed cat from West Yorkshire takes the biscuit. Or, more specifically, the bacon.
In July West Yorkshire police received a 999 call from a man complaining that his cat had eaten his bacon and that it needed to be arrested. On the outside this may seem like a terrible waste of police time, but like many great warriors of times gone by, animals understand that an army marches on its stomach.
They’re coming for our pizza. They’re coming for our bacon.
Stage three: disrupt
On December 10th a major new player in Middle Eastern politics emerged: Benjamin Netanyahu’s dog Kaiya. During candlelit Hanukkah celebrations Kaiya announced her intentions and bit two members of Israel’s political elite.
Every great war has its turning point, and Kaiya could be the Gavrilo Princip of World War Paw.
Stage four: attack
Ginger cats are notoriously agressive, and earlier this month a Russian cat revealed the true extent of their abilities when it KO’d its small human oppressor.
Stage five: chaos
In July an inebriated squirrel staged an unofficial lock-in that resulted in hundreds of pounds worth of damage to a Worcester pub. The pub’s owner Mr Sam Boulter said: ‘I think we lost about £300 worth of stock but it is just one of those once in a lifetime things - I hope!’
You hope Mr Boulter, you hope.