Pornokitsch

While We Watched! The Highlights!

The entire chat was 15 pages and while we did talk about the show, we also talked about snacks, “The Facts of Life” and peeing, so here is an edited version. If you buy us snacks, we might send you the uncut one. 

Minal

Wait so is this same white lady showing up for everyone?

Kuzhali

Is it Daryl Hannah? I think it’s Daryl Hannah. Ok, some chick just injected her bum. Or no, a white guy just came out of her bum.

Minal

She's giving birth. To what I don't know - there are two guys who are maybe invisible and they both want her to do different things and whatever the things are, she doesn't know what to do so she offs herself. Ok I have to say, I never see anything coming but I totally saw that coming.

Kuzhali

Something else is happening. I don’t know what’s happening.

Minal

Ok now this is the opening credits montage and it is weird - what they choose to represent of each country - IT'S SO ETHNIC.

Kuzhali

It’s like an ad for a bank that runs after the bank has done something really fucked up.

Minal

Brown people dance! Oriental girl doing...oriental things!

Kuzhali

Gay guys eating ice cream!

Minal

SO ETHNIC!

* * *

Kuzhali

Did he just say “tight leash around my noolies”?

Minal

“the goalies”?

“nagulies”?

“the vibe was crackin!”

Kuzhali

It was all up in the noolies!

* * *

Kuzhali

oh! the indian part

oh my god

Minal

Oh dear

This is very sad

Kuzhali

OH MY GOD

Minal

Ancient oriental wisdom: "tears can be happy and sad"

Kuzhali

what India is this??

Minal

I think we should watch this with a similarly diverse cast of commentators. Like we need a Kenyan writer and a token white writer and a Korean writer. Then we could be authentically giving authentic commentary.

Kuzhali

yes ideally we should do that

* * *

Kuzhali

“My son, why are you so good to me?”- there are no good answers to this question

Minal

Timeless African wisdom: "When the streets are a jungle, there can only be one king."

Kuzhali

Because you can’t talk about Africa without mentioning jungles!

* * *

Kuzhali

grab ur dick again spanish dude!

Minal

Was it all a vision in his head?  i dunno

Kuzhali

is he screwing the wall?

Minal H

That seems like it would cause splinters

* * *

Minal

This show is like a whole bunch of multicultural haiku strung together

Kuzhali

did a chicken just land in korea? Hey, It’s daryl hannah again! HAI DARYL

Minal

Both the chicken and Daryl Hannah can teleport

Kuzhali

did everyone get a chicken?

Minal H

It would be unfair if only some sensates got chickens and others just got migraines

* * *

 Minal

smoggy Mumbai now

cleanest temple I’ve ever seen

Kuzhali

it’s the scene!

it’s the OH NO!!!

OH WHAT THE FUCK OH MY GOD

Minal

She has the same accent as Priyanka in Quantico except it is the opposite of that.

Kuzhali

Golly, an Indian girl who doesn’t like the arrangement of her arranged marriage - never heard that one before :p

Minal

How come all the other people in the temple are not staring at  a girl in sleeveless top & calf-showing skirt talking out loud to Ganesh?

Kuzhali

WHAT INDIA IS THIS

* * *

Kuzhali

this show has no actual characters actually, just types. Oh cops suddenly!

Minal

White savior cop

Sooooo compassionate!

Kuzhali

It seriously doesn't get more white savior than this scene

Minal

Instead of settling down into a story they just keep montaging when they run out of what should happen next.

All the black people want the kid to die but the white savior cop is persisting in saving his life

Kuzhali

that dang white cop with his reckless ways

* * *

Minal

And now back to the museum which is not a museum - what is this, diamonds?

Kuzhali

how did he crack the safe exactly? he listened it open? I’ve never get how people do that.

Minal

LOL

the safe whisperer

Kuzhali

YES

i wud watch that show

Minal

And now we’re back to watching “Cops”

Kuzhali

the white cop saved the black kid because that is how real life happens

Minal

The black woman in the clinic tells the white savior cop that if the saved black kid goes back on the streets and kills someone, “How you gon' feel 'bout dat?”

Kuzhali

That would be a great title for a song - how you gon’feel about dat chicka chicka bow bow ya maybe not actually

* * *

Kuzhali

hey dj are you here to play my song? HOW YOU GON FEEL BOUT DAT!!

Minal

is she trying to be bjork?

Kuzhali

NO ONE CAN BE BJORK!!!!

Minal

wait I don’t understand this scene - who are these guys?

Kuzhali

IT’S OVER!! GOLLY!!

Minal

omg what did we just watch

Kuzhali

that was fucking hilarious

In Conclusion…

Kuzhali

Once upon a time, there used to be ads for Hutch which featured this pug and quaint houses and pretty children and it felt like nobody seemed to know where exactly this place was - people who had never been to Goa told me it was Goa, people who had never been to Kerala said it was Kerala. Some fucker told me it was Ooty. It was like this elusive India and nobody knew where it was. The India in this show kinda reminded me of that India, in that sortakinda-seems-legit-but-it-probably-isn’t-but-whatever kind of way.

Minal

The San Francisco part was decent. I think they should get rid of all the other storylines and just make a queer movie. They seem to be reasonably good at that. All the other stuff was like they just didn't know anything about the communities and didn't really care to learn. The Africa stuff was offensive: look at this one smart African hustling his business while cleverly adapting a Hollywood name for his van - Van Damn!

Kuzhali

I feel like it was trying to break barriers but ended up relying on stereotypes and I know that as a POC writing on the internet I should be doing in-depth analysis on this but idk - a tv show is for making money so is it weird to talk about how a tv show that was made for commercial purposes, for someone else, is not meeting my expectations of representation? And I was just really, really, REALLY excited about the story and yes, it’s the first episode, it’s a big idea, it’s literally all over the world so I guess it is going to be sketchy until the story can find its feet. But what I saw in this ep was confusing and the global approach, as it were, was mostly just distracting for me.

Minal

It's the whole bogus Hollywood approach to culture right? As something to be colonized and stolen from and to add color, but not actually involving actual people? They clearly didn't hire / empower writers from the various communities who would have come up with interesting stories. I mean I can overlook some cultural stuff but also there was no story. It was like 8 different trailers for 8 different movies got thrown into a blender and remixed.  And somehow Daryl Hannah was in all of them. Plus there was a chicken that had a dual role. I heard it gets better after a few episodes but there was nothing in this pilot that made me want to endure more, except in a trainwreck kind of way.

Based on the pilot, what I think will happen next is…

Minal: The chicken is a portkey, and all the sensates all over the world + Darryl Hannah will use it to teleport to a hilltop in Italy where they will sing “I’d Like To Buy The World A Coke,” wearing their native dress.

Kuzhali: The chicken turns into Bjork who sings her new song ‘How You Gon Feel Bout Dat’ while wearing a shirt that says ‘Music Makes My Life Rule’ and the sensates all agree that it’s rad as heck.

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If you want to read the full transcript, probably the best of doing it is to offer Minal snacks on Twitter at @minalh.