Pornokitsch

Thoughts While Watching

Ok! Opening on…various people dancing around a campfire

That’s a nice way of describing what is actually happening

Aaaand sacrificial white lady has been presented to a woman of colour who is now doing magical woman of colour things

Aaaand there goes sacrificial white lady’s clothes

Feel like this movie is going to be racist against white ladies

I did not factor in how embarrassed I would feel watching this in an environment where other people can see what I am watching

And it sounds like porn but it isn’t

And there is still so much of this movie left to go

Illustrious Acquaintance wants to know what the fuck is wrong with me. I don’t know how to answer this question right now

Anyhoo, opening on Miami Beach Florida, which looks like CSI Miami but in black and white I guess

So there is a dude’s voice saying something and these ladies in bikinis are listening to him

Are these gross words actually coming out of his mouth?

Yes. Yes they are.

The dude surrounded by the ladies is Harry Harris who is a writer fellow and there’s his agent also? I guess? And there is a random lady Harry Harris keeps kissing from time to time for no reason

I’m not really sure what to say about what has been happening. Some people kept falling into the pool basically.

There seems to be a jealous husband kicking his wife in the bum and Harry Harris and agent dude are watching this and laughing because you didn’t get persecuted for laughing at that sort of thing back then when America was free

Agent is talking about something called Voodoo Island. Gosh, what a mysterious and exotic name.

The island has HUMAN SACRIFICES! ZOMBIES! VIRGIN NATIVES!

I BET IT DOESN’T HAVE WI FI THO

A blonde lady has appeared but I’m not sure why

I think a lot of this baffling dialogue is meant to be funny

Everyone is on a plane now and all the fuel gauges turned to zero, on cue, like beautiful dancers

Now Harry Harris is flying the plane because he is better at flying planes with no fuel than the pilot

Plane successfully landed and Harry Harris has gone to find the inhabitants of this wondrous island with a gun stuffed inside his pants.

It’s just a matter of time before he shoots his penis off imho

He has covertly spotted a lady bathing in some water body with her mouth open

Someone else is also watching her?

I think it is “evil native person”

Or it’s a zombie

Illustrious Acquaintance says it is an “evil native person” AND a zombie all in one

Feel like bathing lady had a swimsuit when she went into the water but she is topless coming out of the water. It is that kind of water I guess

Harry Harris has now dived into the water and will probably shoot his penis off there

Now there’s someone with a cowboy hat and a boat? I don’t know what’s going on

Harry Harris has appeared and his clothes are all dry and he’s talking to the boat guy in Spanish. As in, he said ‘Buenos Dias senor’ and that’s it.

Sometimes Harry Harris takes the gun out of his pants and then it looks like it is only a matter of time before he blows his head off

So Harry Harris was having hand to hand combat with a zombie and then the boat guy got his head chopped off. It was all very sudden.

Also Harry Harris’ name is Tom Harris actually

A jeep full of white dudes has arrived

One of these dudes is explaining how the natives are very simple people, to whom ‘homicidal mania’ is beyond comprehension, as opposed to the white dudes, who are really complicated and have the low down on homicidal mania

The people from the plane were “rescued” but I don’t really care

There was apparently a “glorious tropical sunset” but it was in black and white so there was like two dingy palm trees and a grey smudge which I assume was the sea

So now they are in some white dude’s house and there is a girl playing the piano but really what is most striking is that the chairs seemed to be just strewn all over the place like no one cares. What’s up with that gosh?

Eeeee Tom Harris is trying to seduce this lady with his weird words

Eeeeee he said ‘naked’ for literally no good reason

Also it looks like there is a small black canoe on his head

Tom Harris is all over the piano-playing girl like a lecherous uncle and nobody is saying anything because I guess that’s what the piano girl is for

Piano girl is walking outside with Tom Harris also some zombies are coming after them and I know it’s black and white and all but it looks awfully sunny for a moonlit night

The zombies are attacking them now, thank god

They escaped piano girl crying blah blah blah

Aaaaand there’s the mention of Africa and white blonde girl being murdered by local tribe. I was worried they wouldn’t be able to work that in. But they did.

Imagine a bunch of blonde people murdering local native people wouldn’t that be like so weird lol haha

So I guess various things have been happening but basically it’s weird how this black and white night looks like a bright day except there are lots of crickets apparently

In case anyone was wondering, I think Tom Harris and the piano girl are having sex. I mean, I think that is what we are meant to infer from the billowing curtains.

Now we are back to the campfire dance party and everyone seems to be singing and this one lady is really drowning everyone out gosh

This is awful

Well the crickets have been replaced by tweeting birds so I guess it’s daytime now

Tom Harris is eating breakfast and that canoe is still on his head.

Also he is not wearing a shirt and Illustrious Acquaintance feels this is for glamour purpose

Tom and Piano Girl were skipping along outside and then oh mai cheezuz it’s a voodoo sacrificing area so many exotic symbols oh wow.

How has this fellow not blown off his testicles yet? How?

I think they just found a room full of zombies. Normally this would be something interesting no?

Now we are in a laboratory. We know this because so many beakers.

Wtf- someone is stuffing a large metal thing down a live snake’s throat. What the actual fuck

That really was awful.

So I don’t know, the scientist is making the zombies? I guess?

Now the scientist notices the piano girl and Tom Harris who have literally been standing there and watching this whole time and they were like right there and he didn’t even see them because he is so great at science I guess

Now they are running for the plane

Zombies have seized the ladyfolk.

So there is this zombie walking toward the men folk holding a big box that says ‘explosive’ so Tom Harris, being the smart guy that he is, has tried shooting the zombie and is now going to throw his gun at it

Plane has now blown up and Tom and his agent just ran off leaving the pilot to be blown up with the plane which was such a dick move like I can’t even say

Tom and the agent are now being chased by an assortment of people wearing voodoo clothing I guess

Back to racist campfire dance party ! It’s racist because the people of colour are eating white people! Or something!

Ok so we have one sacrificial blonde lady and one who’s just tied up for laughs I guess

Someone is swinging around a live bird what the heck is it with this movie

Tom and the agent are dressing up like blankets with heads to infiltrate this campfire dance party

I AM BEING JUDGED SO MUCH FOR WATCHING THIS RIGHT NOW

Soooo the masked whatever was actually that white dude from before and everyone is running I don’t give a fuck

Someone got stabbed in the back on a boat

And the guy that was stabbed in the back is now being tended to by the good people on the boat, who have made him lie on his back

The good doctor, who was the dude who was stabbed in the back, is talking about how he was using the natives as guinea pigs but I think the important thing is to think aw poor doc instead of aw poor natives who were used as guinea pigs and then had their whole fucking island blown up by these clowns

Now they are back in civilization I guess? And Tom is regaling the ladies with more of his gross words.

Thoughts After Watching

First of all, I am from another culture (albeit this culture varies depending on the situation but it is another culture nonetheless), meaning that if this is actually some kind of amazing classic whery amazing movie that I didn’t get, it’s because I’m from another culture. Second, nobody ate any skin which is very disappointing. Thirdly, is this movie racist? Obviously no. Was it racist to ask if this movie is racist? Obviously yes. Fourthly, I think that snake and bird were really hurt while making this fuck-all fuck of a movie. Bai deers.