'Heavens to Betsy' (1955)
Wednesday, August 09, 2017
Thoughts Before Listening
I was actually going to watch a movie called End of the World with Christopher Lee in it because it had Christopher Lee in it. But I kept falling asleep while watching and then I started to feel homesick for the radio drama of yesteryear, if one can feel homesick for that sort of thing. So here we go with a radio drama called "Heavens to Betsy" which I’m going to listen to because it’s called "Heavens to Betsy".
Thoughts While Listening
So this is about a very normal family and then a UFO lands in their backyard.
We have Henry Doyle who is in the bank because he is a man, Betsy Doyle in the kitchen cooking dinner because she is a woman and Dickie Doyle listening to the radio because he is a Dickie Doyle.
There is another radio drama playing inside this radio drama and it is off the hook.
It’s about Captain Spaceman. And…Pathoth?
It’s not off the hook tbh, it’s just ok.
Thunder?
Ya thunder.
The radio isn’t working now darn it.
Someone called Ella? I think? So Ella called to make sure the Doyles were not hit by lightning.
It’s a neighbourly thing to do I guess.
Thankfully they were not hit by lightning.
In the absence of the radio, Dickie is now lost in a space science comic book which has ‘willowy women of the future’ in it.
Ou est le willowy women of the future? That’s what we want to know.
Meanwhile, Betsy is prosaically making dumplings.
I’m not super clear what a dumpling is, to be very honest.
Anyway, then someone else called (was it Ella again? HAI ELLA!) and Dickie answered and they thought Dickie was Betsy and it was very funny I guess.
MaybeElla wants to talk to Betsy who, as we all know, is prosaically making dumplings so obviously she can’t come to the phone right now.
Someone once told me a kozhukattai was a dumpling. And I was like, so then a dumpling is a kozhukattai? And they said no.
This may be why I am so confused about them.
It’s like how it’s ok to say Chennai is like Detroit. But it’s totally not ok to say Detroit is like Chennai.
Anyway.
There is a glow in the backyard you guys.
“Did the thunderbolts set fire to something?”
This sounds amazing because she’s not saying ‘lightning’.
Betsy and Dickie Doyle are going to look out the window to see what the alleged glow is.
“Gasp! What’s that?!” I DON’T KNOW! WHAT DO YOUR ELF EYES SEE?!
It is a glow. In the backyard.
It is a something.
Wtf
Use better words you guys, come on.
Betsy is going bananas and wondering what her husband would do because I guess prosaically making dumplings is more her jam.
Lo! Henry Husband has arrived! Now everything is going to be ok!
Henry Husband has confirmed that there is indeed something out there so I guess it must be true.
Henry Husband says it’s like neon lights. Only all over.
“I don’t know what it is, but it’s different.”
Doyle Family describing skills very worst.
So Henry Husband has been looking at the glow and basically making it about himself and that’s all I can really say about that, mainly because it was not that interesting and I am too lazy to listen to it again.
Henry Husband has now called for his pistol and Dickie Doyle has been ordered to bring it forthwith because it was ok to do that back then so we shouldn’t say anything about it.
Betsy is like, if you love me you won’t go out there. And Henry Husband is like I love you but still going out there sry because frankly Betsy is being annoying as fuck right now.
I think it’s because she is not prosaically making dumplings, which is her jam.
Now Dickie Doyle has been ordered to bring his mother’s raincoat because she’s going with Henry Husband.
Well at least they didn’t make him get another gun.
Aaaaand the glow is a flying saucer.
Illustrious Acquaintance thinks it should have been a gigantic glowing toilet.
Or a melon.
I don’t know why melon.
And I don’t know why they would say that after saying ‘gigantic glowing toilet’. Because in some way it means those two things are connected in Illustrious Acquaintance’s head.
And I don’t know why the ‘melon’ part seems bewildering but the ‘glowing gigantic toilet’ part doesn’t.
Anyway.
An ad! For cigarettes? Johnson’s Wax? Being American?
Drunk driving!
No, just plain driving, sry.
“When you ride up on his tail pipe, you’re assuming all his risks too.”
Anyway, back to the Doyles and the flying saucer. They can’t seem to see any doors on it so they are wondering how the people are going to get out.
They think this flying saucer is full of people?
Illustrious Acquaintance believes the flying saucer is full of Canadians.
Illustrious Acquaintance also believed the mysterious glow should have been a gigantic glowing toilet or a melon.
Henry Husband, who earlier was making this all about himself, has decided that he knew this saucer was coming because he is Henry and it came here for him and he is Henry and just Henry Henry Henry.
Did I mention that the cops came?
Riot squad has now been called because I don’t know why.
Henry Husband is like this is my flying saucer because it’s on my property. Which reminds me of when one would touch someone’s desk in school and that someone would say don’t touch my property because that someone was an ass.
A court has now ruled that this is in fact Henry Husband’s flying saucer because it is in his yard. And now Betsy just loves the flying saucer so much.
Ou est le Betsy and the prosaic dumpling-making of yesteryear.
Also Henry Husband has been offered the vice presidency of the bank because there is a flying saucer in his backyard.
Ou est le banks that offer vice-presidencies if you have a flying saucer in your backyard.
Henry Husband is talking to the press and sounding like an ass.
Betsy is fawning over her husband saying he spoke so well to the press when in actuality he sounded like an ass.
So far the flying saucer is the only non-bananas thing about this story.
Speaking of the flying saucer, something is happening to the flying saucer!
The light is going out!
Omg why do they keep saying there are people inside the flying saucer IT’S A FLYING SAUCER FOR HECK’S SAKE!
CALL THE SCIENTISTS! GOOD IDEA!
Luckily, the scientists are at the Grand Hotel. All of them.
Despite having super stethoscopes, the scientists cannot save the flying saucer.
The glow has now died and the flying saucer is shrivelling and Betsy is like IT WAS ALIVE and Henry is like no there were people in it and Betsy is like no a woman knows if a flying saucer was alive or not YOU ARE ALL COMPLETE HECKING BANANAS
Some other stuff happened and then it was over.
Thoughts After Listening
This wasn’t terrible, but it was bananas. I guess that’s what happens when you listen to something just because it is called ‘Heavens to Betsy’. Also RIP Canadians if they were in the flying saucer. I also wanted to share some podcasts which I have been enjoying so much and which are free. I know I’m really late to the party on these but anyway,